and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
