We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize