see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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