I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
