I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
