I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
