I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
