he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
