Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
