Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
