You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
