Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
