We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
