I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
