Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
