This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
