I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
