Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
