The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
