my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
