Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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