your thong is hanging out like whoa
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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