Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
