***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
