You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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