and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
