I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
