last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
me + whiskey = a bad person
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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