my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
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