You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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