we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
