I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize