Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
