She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
