Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
