I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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