My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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