the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
