Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
