I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
