My sheets look like a crime scene.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize