Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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