When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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