i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
