Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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