i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
There are leaves in my underwear?
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