before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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