Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
