It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Randomize
