I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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