Your mouth is God's brothel.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
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