nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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