she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
it's like iHOP with fire
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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