i wish starbucks made bloody marys
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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