My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
