I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
you didnt know i had herpes?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize