i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
