What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
