Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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