just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
