I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
