this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
