Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Shame - the story of my life.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
