my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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