8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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