I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
